


it's fine

by samugiiri



Series: past the human eye [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Bullying, Crying, Depression, Heavy Angst, Long-Suffering Miya Atsumu, M/M, Not Beta Read, Osamu is a good brother, Pain, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Miya Atsumu, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Miya Osamu, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, im sorry atsumu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samugiiri/pseuds/samugiiri
Summary: It has come to this. He’s doing this. Atsumu looks at the mirror, eye bags heavy and eyes bloodshot from crying and sleepless nights. He takes a deep breath in and out. His hand reaches for the razor on the sink.Where Atsumu can't handle it anymore and does something about the years of sorrow.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: past the human eye [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137020
Comments: 15
Kudos: 415





	it's fine

**Author's Note:**

> before y'all start reading, this is a really painful fanfic. if you get triggered with self-harm and depression related things, please don't read!

It has come to this. He’s doing this. Atsumu looks at the mirror, eye bags heavy and eyes bloodshot from crying and sleepless nights. He takes a deep breath in and out. His hand reaches for the razor on the sink. 

He stares at it for a while. The blade practically begging him to use it.

He’s already written a letter to those close to him. He apologized and said what he needed to say there. He thinks about Osamu. Most of the letter is addressed to him. His other half, the one who has been with him since day 1. He’ll miss him, but he’s sure he’ll be okay. He has Suna, Kita, Aran, and everyone else around him to help. He puts the razor on his wrist, cutting vertically deep. He feels tears falling down his face. 

Why is he crying now?

Another part of the letter is addressed to Sakusa, the prickly wing spiker he’s been crushing on since his second year. They’ve gotten close over the year of being teammates. He smiles at the thought. But, that doesn’t remove the heaviness he feels everyday, the emptiness, the numbness. He adds another cut.

Will he find out my feelings?

The rest of the letter is to his family and other close friends. He apologized to them for being a burden and being a nuisance in their lives. He’s dirty. He’s filthy. He only hurts those around him and ruins everything. He’s worth nothing, he has never been worth anything. He adds two more cuts.

Can they accept his apology?

Blood is dripping into the sink. He looks in the mirror one last time. He’s crying again and he doesn’t know why. He thought he couldn’t feel anymore, cry anymore. He thinks he hears knocking on the door and the ringing of his phone. He ignores it. Everyone is out tonight, there’s no way anyone noticed he didn’t make an appearance. He’s doing it tonight. He’s doing it now. 

He thinks about all the memories one last time. He chuckles lightly. This is it. He isn’t needed anymore. He doesn’t fit in the picture. No one seems to care anymore. No one loves him enough to check on him. He gives a self-deprecating smile to himself in the mirror.

“It’s fine.”

\--

**_First Year Highschool_ **

It was a normal day. Well, it was supposed to be. He doesn’t have any classes with his brother today or any of his other first year volleyball teammates. He packs his bag and starts walking to the gym. On his way, he gets pulled into a bathroom. He can’t see anything, his eyes are being covered.

“W-who’s there?! Let me go ya bastards!” He shouts but then his mouth is covered, muffling his sentences. He feels so powerless and weak right now. Who are these people?

  
  
“Watch your mouth, Miya. Ya ain’t so cocky now aren’t ya?” Atsumu can practically see the grin on the stranger’s face. His voice is low, deep, and right next to his ear. He shivers. He stays silent, not trusting himself to not stutter, that’d be humiliating. “Just do what we say and you won’t be hurt. We’re angry at some teachers right now and we need to let off some steam.” The setter hears laughter. There’s multiple people. He bites his lip to keep himself from crying.

When he feels the hands let go, he tries to run but is pushed back against the wall. He tries to protest but is immediately shut up when the older boys start kicking and punching him. He tries to scream for help but it’s left unheard. He tries and tries to call for help but it’s like no one cares. 

After what seems like hours of being constantly hit, the boys leave the bathroom. He sits there in silence for a while. After a minute or two, he stands up, almost falling back down. He walks over to the mirror and he looks really beat up. He sighs, he doesn’t need to tell anyone. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve this but he accepts it anyways. He washes his face and makes sure there isn’t any more blood spilling. He grabs his bag and heads to the gym.

He enters the gym, head low, trying to cover his beat up face. “Tsumu, what the fuck?! Why’re ya late?” Osamu walks over to him and tries to grab him. Atsumu flinches unknowingly and he looks up. When he realizes he just showed his face, he runs to the locker room. His twin runs after him, along with Suna and Kita. Coach just shouts for everyone to continue practicing.

In the locker room, you can only hear quiet sobs. Suna and Kita go inside and see Osamu hugging Atsumu as the faux blonde cries. They walk over quietly and look at the grey haired twin to ask what’s wrong. He shrugs while still trying to calm down his brother.

A few minutes passed, the sobs reduced to sniffles. Atsumu finally looks at the people around him and he rubs his hand against his eyes to wipe the tears away. He takes a deep breath in and sighs.

“Atsumu, what happened?” Kita asks, sharing a look of concern with the other two people in the room. The setter bites his lip, “It’s nothin’.” The way Atsumu said that made it obvious he was lying and hiding something. Osamu breaks first. “What the fuck do ya mean nothin’?! I swear, I’m gonna find the people tha’ did this to ya and they’ll have hell ta pay!” He softens his voice when he sees his twin flinch, he then apologizes for raising his voice. Atsumu looks at his brother and smiles weakly.

“It’s fine.”

\--

**_Second year of high school_ **

Ever since that day, Atsumu hasn’t been the same. He still put up an asshole front to seem like a threat, but like said, it’s just a front. He keeps thinking about how true the words he hears from the anonymous threats he gets.

_“You’re so annoying, no one likes you.”_

_“So ugly, why are you even happy with yourself?”_

_“You’re a failure in everything.”_

_“No one needs you here.”_

_“Kill yourself.”_

He looks at himself at the mirror and cries. He’s lucky his brother is a deep sleeper, he won’t be heard. The more he stares at himself, the more he notices small details. He is ugly. He is a failure. He is worth nothing. He feels like he’s about to vomit, he runs to the toilet bowl and hurls. He hurls until it feels like there’s nothing left in him anymore.

He flushes the toilet and leans against the wall. He cries there. He doesn’t know how long. He just sits there crying. Why is he even here?

That night started an unhealthy routine for Atsumu. No one notices it until it’s a month in. Osamu and Suna noticed that whenever they eat lunch together, the setter would always leave 10 minutes earlier than usual and they only see him again in practice or in class if they have classes together with him.

Kita and Coach notice that the faux blonde has been getting thinner and paler over the weeks. When they ask him about it, Atsumu waves them off and saying that he’s okay. 

It’s the last straw when Atsumu collapses during practice. Suna rushes to get the school nurse while Osamu practically cradles him. The setter lays there on his brother’s lap and curses at himself. Why did he have to collapse during practice? He’s just being a burden. He wants to cry but he doesn’t. Not in front of everyone.

Once practice is over, Osamu picks him up from the clinic and holds his bag for him. During the walk home, the wing spiker grips the setter’s hand. When Atsumu looks over at his twin, he hates himself even more. Osamu is crying.

“Atsumu, ya know I’m here for ya right? Ya can tell me anything.” He can see Osamu biting his lip and wiping away his tears with his free hand. He sighs, all Atsumu can think is that he has hurt his brother. The closest person to him. He wants to go home and punish himself for doing such a thing. He brings his brother in a tight embrace.

“It’s fine.”

\--

**_Third year of high school_ **

At this point, Atsumu is so deep in the dark. He has resulted in hurting himself as a punishment for anything he does wrong. Every week is a new bruise, a new cut, a new pain. 

No one finds out until later in his third year. He’s been having the worst week. He can’t find any energy to get out of bed. Every move he makes feels like a chore. He hates it. What’s the point of living anymore?

It’s 3am in the morning and he’s by himself in the bathroom. He’s curled up in the corner, razor against his wrist. He’s full on sobbing, the sorrow is so much. He can’t look at anyone around him without thinking he’s a nuisance. He constantly thinks he isn’t needed.

It’s probably the truth anyways.

Just when things couldn’t get any worse. He hears the door open and he knows he’s fucked up. It’s his mom. Atsumu can see the icy anger showing on her face. She stomps over and grabs the razor from him and immediately starts shouting. 

“What do you think yer doing? Are ya fuckin’ crazy?” She drags the blonde by the shirt and drags him to the living room. She continues to shout while Atsumu has his head down.

“Are ya not grateful for the life ya have? Are we not enough? Why are ya doing this?” She screams, not even caring for the other people in the house who are trying to sleep. The setter is tired, he just wants to sleep and never wake up now. He breaks.

“I’m fucking depressed, okay?! I’m sorry!” He shouts with the little energy he has left. He starts tearing up again. He’s always wanted to open up, but he was scared to. His mom now shows why he should be scared.

She scoffs. “Are ya joking right now, Atsumu? Ya have a good life, ya have no reason to be sad. So get over it.” She walks away, not even offering a single bit of comfort. Atsumu sits there, completely stunned. 

It hurt. Those words hurt so much.

He feels like he can’t breathe. He wants to leave, he wants to _die._ He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t even notice his brother walking towards him and hugging him.

“Wh-wha are ya doin’ awake, Samu? Did we wake ya?” He struggles to get the words out and is surprised when he does. All Osamu does is let out a gentle shush and tightens the hug. “I woke up when I heard mom screamin’. I came ta check on it and I heard tha whole thing. I’m sorry, Tsumu.” He sighs and buries his face in Atsumu’s hair. 

Osamu has nothing to apologize for and this makes Atsumu clench his fists. Osamu has always been there for him even with all the banter between them.

“It’s fine.”

\--

**_A few months ago_ **

Nothing has been better over the years. It only gets worse with each day that passes by. He was able to achieve his dream of becoming a pro volleyball player, but it doesn’t change anything. He finds a way back to his crush since his second year when he joins the same team as Atsumu, but this still doesn’t change anything.

Osamu has been making sure to look after Atsumu, scared of what would happen if the setter was left alone. The younger twin hated it when he told the older that he was leaving volleyball, which meant leaving the blonde alone in the volleyball world. He had expected a tantrum of some sorts, but all he had received was a smile and a sigh. No tears, no screaming, no comments.

Without his twin there, Atsumu didn’t have anyone to help him when they were at away games. 

It had been a bad day for him. He managed to fuck it even more with the recent loss. He’s been off the whole day and ruined their first match. So there he sat on his bed, piercing his skin with his nails. He’s gripping his thighs so tight he can feel his nails digging in, drawing blood. He’s crying but silencing his sobs so his roommate doesn’t hear from the bathroom. His breathing is heavy and he thinks he’s having a panic attack.

The world feels like it’s spinning. It feels hot and cold at the same time. His skin feels like it’s crawling. He can’t focus on anything but the voice in his head, telling him how much of a failure he is.

He’s drowning in his thoughts, in his tears, in his sorrow. He’s in so deep he doesn’t notice the curly haired man in front of him. 

“Miya?” He calls, but all Atsumu can reply with is a sob. He tries to stand up to run to the bathroom and apologizes for being annoying. But, Sakusa just puts a hand on his shoulder and makes it so the setter is lying down on the bed. “Don’t be sorry, get some rest.” is all Sakusa says before turning off the lights and leaving the lamp on. 

He stares blankly at the ceiling until he is offered a glass of water. He takes it with trembling hands and Sakusa helps steady it. “Omi, ya d-don’t have to. I know am just bein’ a pain in tha ass right now.” He whispers, tired from crying.

“Don’t be stupid, Atsumu. Just..let me help.” Sakusa sighs, watching Atsumu taking sips from the glass. They stay quiet for a while. It’s a comfortable silence. The setter is glad the spiker isn’t questioning him further. Sakusa eventually walks back to his bed and lays down.

“Goodnight, Atsumu. Sleep.” The lamp is turned off and Atsumu sets the glass down on the bedside table. He closes his eyes and takes a breath in. It’s silent until he hears the other speak up again.

“I’m sorry.” The twin doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for. He’s the one in the wrong, not him. He hates himself so much. Why does he keep doing this?

“It’s fine.”

\--

**_Present_ **

Atsumu walks over to the bathtub and sinks into it. Cuts completely exposed and blood flowing in the now overflowing water. He sighs and looks up at the ceiling.

This is it. 

This is goodbye.

Silence.

Atsumu hasn’t been fine for the longest time. He’s been hurting and suffering for years. He had a good life, yet he was still consumed with sorrow and hate. He tried to find a way, a way to keep going. It’s been years and he hasn’t found one. There’s no point in living anymore. He’ll be dead soon enough. But, who would care anyways? He answers himself with a self-deprecating chuckle, “No one.”

He feels himself losing consciousness. He’ll finally be free from all this sadness and heaviness.

He hears banging on the door and shouting. He ignores it, enjoying his last moment of being alive. In the next minute, the door bursts open. 

“Atsumu!” Is that Sakusa?

He feels himself getting carried out of the tub. He opens his eyes the slightest, his eyelids are too heavy. “..O-omi..?” He whispers and is met with tears falling on his face. Sakusa is crying.

“Tsumu, please, stay with me. I read your letter. Please stay alive for me. I called your brother already. You’ll be okay, you’ll live. I’ll be there for you and so will your brother and everyone else. Atsumu, you deserve to be happy.” Sakusa is hugging him, he hears faint ringing of sirens.

The last sentence broke something in him. No one has ever said that to him before, his brother maybe but no one besides that. It’s been so long since he’s felt real happiness. 

“Don’t you dare d-die on me, Atsumu. You have a whole life ahead of y-you.” Sakusa says through his sobbing. He shouts for the medics to make it to them faster. Atsumu hears the other begging for him to live. He just wants to see him smile before he closes his eyes again. Maybe for the last time.

He brings his trembling hand slowly to reach the Sakusa’s cheek and leaves it there, caressing it. With the energy he has left, he smiles small and weak, but still there. He sees the other crying even harder now. Before his eyelids become too heavy, he whispers so softly. Something only the latter can hear. 

“It’ll be fine soon.”

His hand falls from the spiker’s cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> i write one fluff fanfic and now here i am with a very angst and depressing one. this fanfic was painful to write but i still i'm glad i wrote it. this is sorta like a vent in a way. this is based on real feelings and experiences so i can really relate to atsumu here. 
> 
> i left the ending sorta open and y'all can decide what happens to atsumu. originally, i wasn't gonna make it open but i decided to be nice. honestly, the ending really seems like it ends there but STILL.
> 
> remember that if you're feeling down, there are people that care about you. don't think you're not deserving of love because you deserve all the love. you're not alone.
> 
> anyways, enjoy this fanfic while i suffer in school and try to finish my long oneshot IwaOI fanfic.
> 
> follow me on instagram [@rinsmiya](https://www.instagram.com/rinsmiya/)


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